


back someday for you

by quietcabeswater



Category: Free!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Tattoos, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mutual Pining, OC, One Night Stands, Swearing, idk how to tag pray for me, might change these in the future, the soulmate au no one asked for yet here we are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-06-26 21:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietcabeswater/pseuds/quietcabeswater
Summary: Rin and Haru are soulmates. The only problem? The Universe doesn't quite agree with this. AKA 5 times the Universe doesn't work in Rin and Haru's favor and 1 time it does.





	1. a stranger passing through

**Author's Note:**

> well hello there! thanks for clicking on this, I had a LOT of feelings and I had to get them out of my system so this is happening. also, I need to improve my writing skills so yeah. also also english is my second language so if you find any mistakes or inaccuracies please let me know! hope you enjoy this!
> 
> (title of the fic is from max's "i'll come back for you" aka my favourite rinharu song of all times.)

The day started off wrong.

As soon as he woke up, Haru could feel it in his whole body, the blood in his veins boiling like acid through his muscles, through his skin, leaving a painful, itching sensation behind. He lay there for a few minutes, basked in the comfortable silence of his bedroom and the soft glow entering through the windows. _Breathe in, breathe out_ , he kept repeating, _it was just a nightmare_. But as his mind raced with the gruesome details of the dream, the unsteady rhythm of his heart refused to slow down. Finally, he sat up, looked at the clock with visible annoyance and swore softly under his breath. He was already running out of time and risked being late to work. Again.

“Fuck, I can’t be late again, I’m going to get fired, I’m going to get fired…” He picked up the only ironed shirt he had and the closest pair of pants in the wardrobe, never mind that they didn’t match, he didn’t have time to worry about fashion, his only goal was making it out the door in less than five minutes. It was a matter of life and death really, he had been late two days before as well, because of a similar situation. It was getting out of hand already and the warning his boss had given him rang too loudly in his ears. He didn’t know how he managed to get dressed so fast but he wasn’t going to question it, was he? He ran to the bathroom before even buttoning his shirt and tying his tie, he could do that on the stairs down, and in less than a minute his teeth were brushed and his hair combed. He allowed himself a second to look in the mirror and offer a small, reassuring smile to the tired young man staring back. _He got this._ His gaze dropped to the exposed skin of his collarbone and the small outline of a bird which he was born with. It’s not that Haru doesn’t believe in soulmates, his tattoo is there to prove it, but he definitely doesn’t believe in finding his. He might’ve, once. But this morning, as he stared at the small and familiar outline of a bird, he didn’t hope of ever seeing it complete.

He ran out of the bathroom, took his suitcase and desperately prayed that he wouldn’t lose his job. If he could get to the bus station in six minutes he could still catch the bus and make it to- A loud thud filled the room and for a moment Haru stilled. He sighed as he glanced first at his suitcase, which had caused the incident, then back to the living room, and, as he had expected, the photo he kept framed on the coffee table was now laying on the floor, a myriad of little cracks sprawled from one corner to the other like a spider web. It was a picture of the four of them, after winning the swimming relay in fifth grade, grinning and full of energy and hope. _It’s only fair_ , Haru thought, a broken photo for a long-broken dream and broken friendships.

Well, not all of them, though. Makoto is still around, and Haru couldn’t be more grateful for his best friend. Makoto still swims, he made it to one of the best teams in the country, and their friendship is still as strong as ever, no surprise there. There was a time when he had hoped Mako would be his soulmate, what they had was something special and beautiful, but Makoto’s shark tattoo said otherwise, especially after one day he revealed that what had once been only the outline, turned into a beautiful, dark figure. He was more than happy for his friend, but that sharp sting was still there. And at almost 34 years old, what hope did Haru have of finding his soulmate? Everyone else hasn’t been in his life ever since that unbearably hot summer day, when they fought. He still doesn’t know over what, only remembers Asahi and Ikuya’s pain-stricken faces and the fact that it was the last time he had ever swum.

Now, as he rushes through the overcrowded streets of Tokyo, jostling his way forward, Haru pushes the cracked picture frame out of his mind and all the helplessness that comes with it, and tries to concentrate on the task at hand, which is avoiding being fired today at all costs. The anxiety he had woken up with crawls its way back into his brain, and suddenly all his senses are on high alert. Everything is so loud around him, and so overwhelming, and so, so bright. He quickens his pace, and is tempted to close his eyes, just so he can escape for a little bit. He has never felt this on edge.

In only a second, he is shaken out of his poor state as someone crashes hard into him, almost knocking them both to the ground. The impact is so unexpected, the panic so sharp, that he mistakes the bolt of electricity running through his body as the beginning of a panic attack. He opens his eyes just in time to see the stranger coming back to his senses, mutter an almost inaudible “ _Watch where you’re going”_ , although, earnestly, he was the one with headphones on and his face buried in his phone, and turn back to continue his way in the opposite direction. Haru blinks repeatedly but remains in place, still too taken aback by the situation, and traces the man with his eyes throughout the sea of people. The man, who looked to be around Haru’s age, is tall enough that his head surfaces above most of the people passing, so Haru follows his mop of red hair, not vibrant and striking like Asahi’s but darker, richer, until it disappears around a corner. Almost too late, he remembers that his bus is supposed to be leaving right now, and breaks into a sprint, hoping he’s not too late.

* * *

 

Haru throws himself on the couch with a loud sigh and covers his face with his hands, groaning. He is too tired to even breathe, let alone move, but he’s sweaty and he desperately needs a shower after the rough day he’s had. Reluctantly, he trudges to the bathroom, loosening his tie, then throwing it somewhere on the floor. He yawns as he undresses, and smirks a little remembering that, by whatever miracle, he did not get fired today. It doesn’t last, however, as his attention is instantly captured by an unfamiliar shape on his chest, and Haru whips his head so fast that he almost sprains his neck. His vision blurs a little, be it tiredness or shock, but then, as he inspects himself closer in the mirror, it’s undeniable.

At the base of his neck there is a black tattoo of a bird, the shape of which he knows too well, only now it’s full and beautiful and almost brilliant. He traces it with wonder as a flair of hope and warmth coils in his stomach and it takes a full moment until Haru grasps at its meaning. He is so shocked that he steps back a little, as if the room is suddenly too big to contain this new feeling that has enveloped him. _My soulmate._ His thoughts start to wander, searching eagerly for an answer, who could it be? It could be anyone, Haru has touched thousands of people today, it happens every single day of his life in a city as big and crowded as Tokyo. All of a sudden, a certain moment pops into his head, the vivid memory of a thrill running through his body as he bumped into that handsome stranger on his way to the office this morning. A wave of recognition and certainty washes over him and he has to prop himself against the door to steady himself.

The happiness vanishes as quickly as it came, and hollowness takes its place, so real and painful that it seems almost palpable. Haru might know now that he does have a soulmate in the world, but it doesn’t change the fact that he most probably won’t see them again. In all these years, he’s become familiar with so many faces, and none of them his soulmate’s. The chances of them seeing each other again are so slim, and even if they did meet again, there are so many cases of unrequited soulmates…

All the exhaustion creeps back into Haru’s bones and he doesn’t have the energy to ponder over this any further. With a heavy exhale, he steps into the shower.


	2. easier to let you go

It was not that Rin hated his job. Maybe sometimes he lost his patience too soon, or his head hurt from dealing with so many reckless, stupid people every day, or other times he grew so fucking bored with writing parking tickets all day that he would sell his soul in order to get out of the street and _do something_. He didn’t even know why he became a traffic officer in the first place, when his dream as a little boy had been to become a professional swimmer. When he thought back on it, he found that the idea was still there, tucked somewhere in a corner of his heart for safe-keeping, but there was no motivation whatsoever of acting on it. Don’t athletes need that kind of will and inspiration in order to become good at what they’re doing? At least that’s the way Rin saw it.

Okay, so maybe Rin didn’t really hate his job and he wouldn’t see himself swimming at a national level, but he still wanted more. The next thing he knew, he was on the phone with his home stay parents and a week later he had a job and a place to stay in Australia. Now, all he needs to do is send his resignation letter but not today. _Tomorrow,_ he tells himself, _tomorrow you’ll be free._

* * *

 

Haru doesn’t hate his job. Maybe sometimes his eyes burn and sting from countless hours stuck behind a computer screen, and other times he despises staying at the office until almost midnight to finish his work, buried in piles of papers stacked on top of other piles of papers. Mostly, he hates how dull his job is but he has to admit having a routine is nice. It’s _easy_.

His job makes it difficult for him to maintain any kind of relationship but it isn’t impossible, he has a few good friends, they go out once in a while to have a couple of drinks and they keep in touch by texting once a few days. He is lucky that his boyfriend works in the same place and is as much of a workaholic as Haru himself, otherwise things would have been really tough because, let’s be real, who else would agree to share their significant other with such a tedious and pretentious job? They barely see each other as it is, and they spend more than half a day in the same building.

“I’ll be there in ten” he tells Joaquim on the phone. “Traffic’s a pain in the ass. Okay. Love you, too. Bye.”

It’s not that Haru doesn’t love Joaquim. In all these years they’ve known each other, he’s come to seriously care for the guy. Joaquim is understanding and patient, loves his work and has very high ambitions in life, and loves Haru in his own way. When Makoto had first introduced them all those years ago, they never thought they would get along. Haru was too serious, Joaquim too reckless, they were opposites in every sense of the word. Back in those days, Haru still hoped of one day meeting his soulmate.

That is not the case anymore, though. He has made peace with the fact that not everyone has that kind of luck, hell, his parents aren’t soulmates and they’ve made it work, they still do. Though, it would have been nice to have that one special person in his life, that part of his soul that he feels is missing, that spark that he has been longing for every time he and Joaquim have sex. But it’s alright, his life isn’t perfect, far from it, yet it is comfortable, he doesn’t have to worry about the Universe somehow being wrong, about his heart possibly being shattered. He’s heard a lot of stories of soulmates finding each other and then wrecking each other’s hearts, drifting apart, having to live with the hole that was left inside them and which chewed up at their spirit until they died alone and completely devastated. What he and Joaquim have is not love, but it’s _easy_.

“Shit” he swears, being shaken out of his train of thought by a police officer. He had been driving too fast, he should’ve been more careful. He curses again, then rolls down the car window as the man approaches.

“License and ID, please”, the officer asks and for the first time Haru really looks at him. He seems to be in his early 30’s and nothing short of handsome. Tall and lean, the man, whose name is Matsuoka R. as Haru reads on his tag, doesn’t seem like any police officer Haru has seen before, but looks like he could have very well stepped right out of a magazine photoshoot. Mr. Matsuoka’s rich, dark red hair falls in waves as he examines the documents Haru has given him, and he sticks the tip of his tongue out in concentration.

“A’ight, I’m going to let you off with just a warning this time…” the man begins as he proceeds to give Haru back his licence and ID but as their eyes meet, he trails off. The intensity of his gaze makes Haru a little dizzy but he doesn’t back down, yet continues to shamelessly stare, absolutely mesmerized by the color of the man’s eyes, a brilliant, hypnotizing mauve. If he weren’t so close and could immediately tell, Haru would say that the man wears contacts, but the color is so undeniably natural that he feels his knees go weak. He begins to feel his mouth go dry but he remembers where he is, wills himself to come back to reality and reaches for the documents. Their fingers brush ever so slightly and he is absolutely sure that they both feel the surge of heat that runs through their veins at the touch. It’s maddening, Haru’s never felt anything like this his entire life, and he can’t help but wonder how it would be to experience this sort of overwhelming pleasure and excitement ever day of his life.

The officer smirks, then his gaze meets the ring on Haru’s hand, and every emotion painted on his face morphs into something else entirely, the disappointment clear and painful. Haru, who had himself forgotten about his engagement to Joaquim, pales.

“Have a good day, Mr. Nanase!” Matsuoka says with a wink then returns to his job, saving them both from more minutes of unbearable tension and awkwardness. Only, Haru finds himself wishing for more, anything, just looking into the man’s eyes, or the littlest brush of skin, he would cross the ocean just for one more second of that rush of adrenaline. And yet, he has a life he’s worked for, a fiancé who loves him, and a stable job. It’s not ideal but it’s easy, and he’s always been more comfortable with routine. _This will have to do._

* * *

 

Rin definitely hates his job. When he enters the small bathroom in his apartment his heart picks up, threatening to hammer out of his chest. He knows too well what he’s felt today, he is a hundred percent positive. Still, his fingers shake dangerously as he unbuttons his shirt and at the sight in the mirror he freezes, unable to think, breath caught in his throat. There is a small star tattoo on his hip, pitch black, and Rin’s chest aches as the realization dawns on him.

The ghost of a touch tingles at the tip of his fingers, the memory of Haruka’s clear, blue eyes burns in his vision, and he is damned. All those years he’d dreamt of finding his soulmate, he never could have imagined feeling like that, like he would burn the world to the ground for a single touch. And yet, the man is married, and he’s leaving for Australia in two days.

“What a fucking cruel joke” he yells, clutching the sink until his fingers go white. But he’ll get used to it, he’ll be okay. With or without his soulmate.


	3. breathe you in like smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i listened to "smoke" by bobi andonov while writing this, also that's where the title is from.  
> also this is my first time writing smut so please have mercy.

 

* * *

 

Neon lights danced playfully on the walls, on and off, on and off, teasing, before dropping to caress an arm, a face, and illuminating features otherwise invisible in the darkness that veiled the people moving languorously with the music. The club was full tonight and Haru’s whole body vibrated with the heavy bass, the sensation seeping deep into his bones. It was one of his favorite feelings in the world and although he had never tried it, he imagined it was exactly like being high. It was so easy to surrender to the adrenaline pulsating under his skin, to lose himself in the crowd, close his eyes and savor the pleasure singing too loud for any thoughts to be heard. The sea of bodies radiating heat swallowed him again and he was drowning …

The song changed once again, a melody he’d heard so many times before, and the glass in his hand had been empty for some time, so he slowly made his way to the bar for a refill.

“Busy night, huh?” he asked the bartender as he prepared Haru’s drink. He came here often enough for him to know every one of the employees and for the bartenders to pour his drink without asking for details. Sousuke smiled crookedly.

“Hell yeah it is! Wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. My friend’s also here tonight, he’s spending his last night in town partying it up. Can’t blame him, though. Now go out there and have fun!” he said with a wink.

Haru took his drink and made his way to the dance floor again, his skin warmer and his heart picking up a faster pace as the alcohol burned down his throat. Nights like these were cathartic; the only things in his life that still had the power to make him feel something, made his tired heart awaken for a few hours until the cold slap of reality. Sousuke’s words kept ringing in his ears, _“Wouldn’t trade it for the world”._ He understood. And so he let the music guide him once again, the smoke filling his chest close to suffocation but not quite.

Dancing was not Haru’s favorite activity, but dancing in a club was incredible, bodies sliding over bodies, touching without committing, pleasure without guilt, giving and taking without overthinking, just skin on skin and moving however the music dictated. Fingers found their ways on Haru’s hips, the contact sudden but not surprising. He often danced with strangers who, for some reason, were attracted to him, although every time he expressed his confusion as to why, Makoto just laughed in his face. Whatever. But as the stranger moved closer, any kind of space between them vanishing little by little, his senses started tingling, his mind becoming aware of every brush of skin, every breath on his neck, on his burning cheeks, of each and every one of his own unsteady heartbeats. The man was a few inches taller than him, so Haru slowly lifted his gaze, eyes wide, searching, but not knowing what.

The lights were generous, framing a pale, handsome face, and playing shamelessly in rich auburn locks. Haru suddenly wanted to bury his hands in them, to feel their softness under his fingers, and tug, bringing those pink, flushed lips closer. He wanted _closer_ , God, he wanted it so much. The alcohol in his veins sang and sang and he craved, he had never felt like this, like his whole being was on fire, like a single touch could burn him into nothing but ash and smoke, like he wanted to be inhaled, to make a home in a person’s lungs and settle there. Their eyes met and Haru’s mind went into overdrive.

“Wanna get out of here?” the words were barely whispers breathed in the soft hair above his ears but he heard them nonetheless, despite the deafening music or his heart drumming against his ribcage. He nodded against the man’s chest and hoped his response was clear enough. He _wanted_.

His lips found skin before they even made it out the door and everything around them faded into nothing. He felt himself slipping, too, but he was still tethering on the edge, the contact the only thing keeping him from falling to certain death. A hand on his waist, and his fingers in soft red hair and he could hardly think, it was even more impossible to find his footing and carry himself forward when all he wanted to do was to stop and _feel_. But he could wait, he had to, so he followed the man in silence.

* * *

As he pushed the door of his apartment open, Rin took a second to think about what he was doing. His plane was leaving at eight a.m. and there he was, taking a complete stranger home, not even his home, but Sousuke’s apartment. When he had left for the club that evening, he had sworn he would make the best out of it but this was far from what he’d had in mind. Yet this man in front of him was the most beautiful person he’s ever met, and his heart kept tugging, tossing and turning and making him drunk on want and something else, something intoxicating, too powerful for his mind to wrap itself around it. His back hit the door closed and every coherent thought left his brain when chapped, warm lips crashed against his, capturing them in the best kiss he could have ever imagined. His body melted against the handsome man in front of him and he damned the plane, damned Sousuke and his apartment, damned Australia, damned it all. All he cared about were bright blue eyes looking up at him through long lashes.

He let out a soft moan when the man’s attention moved to Rin’s collarbone, peppering wet kisses up his neck until stopping to suck on his earlobe. He was too far gone already.

“Can I-”, he panted, unable to finish the sentence in one go. “Your name?”

The man kissed his name into Rin’s lips “Haru”, before his hands came up to cradle Rin’s face to deepen the kiss. _Haru, Haru, Haru,_ it was so loud in his head, he knew he was going to say it over and over again as he bathed in wave after wave of pleasure.

* * *

 

Haru _felt_. Felt it in more than his skin, and wondered how it was possible for one person to draw this stranger out of him, to make him desire and his heart swell. He could barely recognize himself as his hands kept roaming over Rin’s body, seeking to feed that pure, overwhelming craving coiling at the base of his stomach. The other man escaped another sweet noise, then detached himself from the door and drew Haru by the hand to a room at the end of the hallway and pushed him down into the bed.

Instead of leaning down to kiss him again, Rin leveled himself on his knees above him and did nothing but stare straight into his eyes, and Haru was drowning, drowning under the intensity of the gaze, not for a second thinking of coming up for air. His hands found themselves on the other man’s shirt, and started unbuttoning it slowly, not breaking eye contact, too scared that the Universe might take this away from him. Finally, _finally_ , Rin reacted and kissed him senseless, teeth scrapping over lips, tongues exploring deeper and deeper, until the urgency was lost and they were left breathing into each other’s mouths, sweetly taking their time because they could, because they had all night, because it was _good_. The slower they went the more Haru could feel himself losing control, giving in, the currents swallowing him until he was at the bottom of the ocean, and nothing could have felt more relieving.

Undressing was a pain in the ass, because they were drunk out of their minds, and because it meant breaking away from each other when any distance between them felt like a thousand miles, and Rin giggled. And Haru? Haru was completely fucked, because nothing he had ever heard sounded sweeter, and because although he was too drunk and hypnotized to be aware of it, deep down the knowledge that he could only have this for one night ate at his soul, leaving behind a dull ache, old as time.

Being so shaken up by the way his pulse was racing because of Rin’s lovely laughter, he almost missed him fiddling with a condom until Rin asked “Can I?” And what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t say no even if he wanted to. He needed this, he needed any kind of _closer_ that was possible and he needed to know what Rin would feel like inside of him. Everything so far had been intoxicating and he was afraid to delve deeper, could anything really be better than this? All his doubts were cleared when he felt the other man enter him, all train of thought lost down the drain. With every thrust, Rin kept repeating his name with such reverence that Haru couldn’t will his brain to work, only wanted to know how it tasted on Rin’s tongue. It was mindblowing.

He felt himself lose control fast, but the other man was close, too, and with a final exhale, they both came at the same time and collapsed onto the bed, too delirious to utter any words. After he collected his thoughts Haru pulled himself on top of the red-haired beauty and kissed the corner of his mouth, his forehead, left a little peck on Rin’s lips and started working his way down, down, down…

Rin shivered, his whole body vibrating with pleasure and he found the strength to say “You know, I have a plane at eight in the morning” before he surrendered himself to Haru’s hungry mouth.

* * *

Morning was anything but gentle. Rin’s head was heavy and it hurt like a motherfucker. He didn’t remember much from last night but a beautiful man, very much naked, was sleeping on his chest. Sensations and images started spinning in his mind, the previous night's events were coming back but it was painful. _I’m never drinking again,_ he promised himself. He also remembered that he had a plane to catch in less than two hours.

“Fuck” he said out loud, and it sounded so raspy that he wasn’t sure it was his own voice. Haru stirred and Rin watched him slip from sleep into consciousness, and when those eyes which seemed to carry the entire ocean inside them found his, Rin could only smile.

“’Morning, sleeping beauty. I’d love to have my way with you again but sadly I’m leaving the country in like an hour so…” It hurt more to say than he’d imagined, the words tasted bitter and regret was a living, breathing thing inside him but Haru accepted it without question, although his own face looked pain-stricken.

They dressed in silence and got into a cab as fast as they could. No matter how difficult this had ended up being, Rin really had to be back in Australia as scheduled.

* * *

 

“Are you even real?” Rin asks and Haru only shrugs.

“I’m as real as they come, when did using or not using a phone start to determine whether people are real or not?” However, all those times Makoto has begged him to use his damn phone are clear and persistent now. He sighs.

“Excuse me, Sir, do you happen to have a piece of paper and something to write with?”

The cab driver pulls out a pen but no paper, unfortunately, and Rin grunts in frustration before yelling “Fuck it!” and writing down his phone number on Haru’s skin. “There, you can call me, use your fucking phone, we’re in the twenty-first century.”

So this is goodbye, then. He kisses Rin again and expects it to be different than last night. He thought it had been an effect of the alcohol, but apparently his heart flutters and hums in response, and he is _alive_. Rin’s eyes are shadowed in sadness when their gazes meet, but he pulls away, steps out of the car, and leaves some money for the driver.

“Where to now, young man?” Haru gives him the address and watches as Rin disappears behind the doors of the airport.

Only in the moment when he is alone in the street does he think about the possibility, but it is too late anyway. He checks the little outline between his index finger and middle finger and is not surprised to find a full tattoo instead. Rain starts pouring down and he thinks that it’s relevant to the mood. A deep sadness pours into his veins along with the heavy droplets.

When he enters his apartment, the number Rin had written down is an indistinguishable mess.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. so i talk to the shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is going to be so sad i'm so sorry,,,,,,,
> 
> title from "words" by skylar grey.

_He was six when his parents told him._

Over time, the memory got tangled with others, fairy tales heard before falling asleep, all wrapped up in a soft, warm glow. But then, Haru had looked up to his mother through thick, dark lashes and a twinkle in his eyes: "Mom... do I have a soulmate?" His voice shook, both with fear and awe, and when the answer came, his heart swelled. 

"Yes, baby. I'm going to let you in on a little secret." His mother had combed his bangs with her long, soft fingers and kissed his forehead. "See this birthmark here on your wrist? This is your soulmate tattoo. And somewhere out there, your soulmate has the same tattoo, isn't that amazing?"

Haru could barely keep still, excitement running fast through his veins. "Where are they, mom? When will I meet them?" He gasped, pupils widening, hands flying to cover his mouth dramatically, before continuing: "What if I already met them!"

His mother had laughed, a wild and sweet thing. "You haven't met them yet, kitten." Haru's brow had furrowed, disappointment clear on his face. He wanted to meet his soulmate so much. "Now don't be sad. How about I tell you how you will know when you find them?" At his surge of happiness, she went on. "Loot at your tattoo. Now it's only a shape, but when your soulmate will touch you, it will be full, and so, so beautiful, the most beautiful shade of black that exists. And you will feel it, here," she whispered, pointing at his chest, where his heart was. 

* * *

 

 _He was eleven when the kids at school started talking about soulmates._  

"Today I learned something." Haru told them. His usual smile faltered, and suddenly turned into a flat line. "Well, some things, actually..." He sighed as he threw himself on the bed and started tracing the small outline on his wrist. 

Most people kept diaries, but Haru had been telling everything to his soulmate for as long as he could remember. Most people would've probably made fun of him, too, but nobody knew. It was better this way. His soulmate was his and only his, and in the quiet privacy of his room, Haru imagined that they were right next to him. Once, he had been convinced that they could hear him, they were supposed to be bonded afterall, and that they didn't say anything back because they were shy. He wasn't so convinced anymore, but he still pretended they would listen. 

"Did you know that some people don't have soulmates?" He paused, swallowed the thick knot in his throat. "Yeah... and did you know that Asahi's parents got divorced even though they were- are soulmates?"

He felt hot tears stinging his eyelids. The unfamiliar ache in his chest suffocated him.

* * *

 

_He was twelve when he heard the whole story._

Arriving home, Haru walked straight ahead, towards the kitchen, not sparing his bedroom even the barest glance. His mom had cooked dinner, and the evening light bathed the whole room in a dim orange shade. Everything felt wrong and Haru felt sick. 

"Mom" he said in the doorway and his mother startled, almost dropping the bowl she was holding. She put it carefully on the table, wiped her hands on her apron, and eventually turned to face her son. 

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked, running to his side. "Are you okay?"

He tried to steady himself. "Tell me about the tattoo." And his mother had understood, and Haru would never forget all the sadness that overcame him when seeing the helplessness in her eyes, the downward curve of her mouth, as she guided him to the table and sat him down. "I didn't tell you the whole truth when you were little." She sighed deeply. "Would you blame me? You were so young and innocent, you shold've seen how happy you were when I told you about your soulmate. I don't think I've ever seen you happier."

He touched the outline of his tattoo unconsciously, a habbit he'd acquired over the years. It made him feel safe and helped him calm down. It hurt him now.

"If... when- when your soulmate dies the tattoo will turn grey. Baby, please, don't make that face. I know how much you care about your soulmate, and I know that this is scary... but this is just one of the possibilities okay?" She stroked his cheeks and took his tears away. "It's true that some people out there don't have a soulmate, that some of them do but it doesn't work out, and that people die... But this shouldn't hold you back. Look at me" she demanded, her own eyes wet with uncried tears. "You cannot let this consume you. Your heart is too pure for that. Please, baby. You can't lock yourself in forever. I promise you, you'll find them."

She had kissed his forehead again and let him go. 

"I hate grey." Haru spoke to silence that night. "I'll find you, and it will be okay." He didn't know who he was trying to reassure.

* * *

 

 

The day started off like any other. Highschool was almost over, and Haru couldn't wait for it to end. Sure, he would miss his friends, Nagisa and Rei still had a year left, but Makoto would be coming with him to college. They would be in Tokyo, starting a new life, with so many possibilities. "I'll find you" he tells the shadows. "I'll finally find you and I'll tell you everything face to face."

The day went like any other, but now, as the darkness envelopes his room and sleep starts tugging at his eyelashes, a wave of shocking emotion washes over him. Haru openes his eyes, and the ache in his chest punches the air out of his lungs. In seconds, the pain becomes unbearable, and uncontrollable sobs escape his lips. He panics and, as he clutches his chest, he knows. The tears won't stop falling and his mother's words are too loud in his mind. " _You'll know, here"._

"No, please, it wasn't supposed to be like this," he chokes. "Don't leave me, please..."

He knows it's not in his power to do anything. All he can do is believe hard enough that his soulmate can hear him. He kisses his wrist and whispers a soft _"goodbye"_ that tears through his soul. 

_Haru is eighteen when the small tattoo on his arm becomes ashen grey._


	5. these silent beasts are hard to bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you know, before you read, in order to write this chapter and make the idea work i needed to put some lowkey makoharu. it's nothing explicit and it's unrequited but i still had to let you know. thanks for understanding.
> 
> chapter title from "esmeralda" by ben howard.
> 
> (this is also sad but bear with me, the last chapter will be extra long and have a happy ending like i promised)

Of course he knew about soulmates. Every child is told the story sooner or later, despite efforts to keep them from knowing, despite parents trying to protect them. Haru himself heard it when he was five. But then his tattoo changed. 

He still remembers the day as if it were yesterday, green eyes filled with quiet tears gazing up at him from a sandbox. Haru didn't have any friends then, he had always been a shy kid, and didn't like talking, which was everything people did, so he wasn't interested in getting to know any of them. But this kid was different, he was also alone, and his silent way of being made Haru think they could understand each other. So he extended his hand.

You would think that in time he would forget the feeling that overcame him in that moment. You would think that time would cover the memory with a thick veil of forgetness, but his chest still aches in rememberance with the echo of the feeling. 

He yelped and dropped the little boy's hand. "Wh- what was that?"

The boy stared at him in utter confusion, the situation so unexpected that he had stopped crying. "What was what?"

Of course Haru knew about soulmates, but the incomplete tattoo on his arm puzzled him nonetheless.

* * *

 

What was even more vexing was that Makoto's matching yin-yang tattoo was still just an outline. But it was fine. His mother had told him about unrequited soulmates, although he hadn't really understood at that time. Which was also fine, because Makoto cared about him. They were best friends and no one could ever come between them, and Haru wondered why people made such a big deal about all that unrequited business. 

* * *

 

Until one day, when he finally began to understand. 

As soon as the clock announced the end of the first class, everybody was already out of their seats, gathering into a small crowd around the two new kids. Hesitation was singing in Haru's bones but his face betrayed no emotion at all, like usual. And as he had expected, Makoto was at his side in seconds.

"Come on, don't be rude. Let's go and meet them, they seem really cool." And what was Haru supposed to do when Mako flashed him his warm, brilliant smile like that? 

He sighed, annoyed with himself and how weak he still was for that smile and the twinkle in those bright green eyes that accompanied it, and hiding his reluctance as best as he could, he made his way over to the desk where Rin and Sousuke stood. Something kept nagging at him, a kind of panic or wariness, but he swatted it away and tried to look civil enough, it was not the time to worry about jealousy, it never was, it was not like anyone could break his and Makoto's friendship.

It turned out, he was incredibly wrong. And just as he can't burn away the memory of meeting Makoto, Haru can't forget that day, either, the day Mako's tattoo changed as well. 

* * *

Makoto was right, however, no matter how much it pained Haru to admit it, but Rin and Sousuke were indeed really cool. So cool that they quickly became friends, more than that, actually. The four of them were inseparable. Which did not add up to the fact that Rin continued to refuse to participate in the swimming relay with them as a team.

"Riiiin, come on!" Mako tried his luck again one day, when they were having lunch, batting his eyelashes and showing Rin his full, blinding smile. It was a good tactic, but sadly, Rin was immune to it, and couldn't be swayed. The red-haired boy shook his head vehemently. 

"How many times do I have to tell you guys "no" before you understand it?" Rin snapped, his tone a little too harsh.

"Until you give us an explanation." Haru answered, disturbing the sudden silence, and three pairs of eyes turned to him, completely shocked. He rarely said anything, barely contributed to the endless conversations his friends had every day, so it was only fair that they were all stunned. Their gazes were expectant, especially Rin's, who had flushed a scarlet red and was staring at him with such intensity that Haru thought it would burn a hole in his head. A few beats passed and no one reacted, so Haru decided to break the spell himself and pushed on: "Well?"

"I just don't want to, okay? I don't like swimming!" Haru knew Rin was lying but coudn't confront him about it. He had stayed at the pool late one day and had seen Rin swim when he thought no one was around to witness it. Why the secrecy, Haru had no idea, but he minded his own business, it was what friends did. He let it pass and they never brought the relay up again.

* * *

He was also right, in his own way, as he remembered the weird feeling he had on the day they met. They never talked about their soulmate tattoos, it was an unspoken understanding which Haru had no idea how they'd reached, but he was grateful for it. His yin-yang form was on his arm but he mostly wore long sleeves. Makoto's same shape was on his shoulder, and had one dark part as well, back from when he'd shaken hands with Sousuke that day. Haru knew that Sousuke had a tattoo as well and knew that he and Makoto had talked about it, but Makoto never offered any details to Haru, which bothered him at first, but as long as they continued to be friends, he didn't really care. However, he knew absolutely nothing about Rin's tattoo. For all Haru knew, the guy might've not even had one. Which could've explained the fact that they never talked about it, since Sousuke was Rin's best friend he had to know about it and avoid anything that had to do with soulmates to not make Rin feel bad. It made sense.

What did _not_ make sense, though, was Rin's behaviour. Rin had been acting strange lately, well, stranger than usual, anyway, and Haru could not bear it any longer. Damn minding his own business, damn it all. 

"Dude, what's wrong with you?"

Rin startled, the pen he was holding left an ugly mark on the paper. "What?"

"You're acting weird. Did I do something wrong?"

And silence stretched again, like it usually did when it was just the two of them. In the beginning of their friendship Rin had tried to coax him into conversations, to get him to open up, but in time Rin began to understand Haru and respect his boundaries and never bothered him. Mostly, this kind of silence was comfortable, although sometimes Rin was struggling too much not to blurt out whatever was on his mind, and he either said whatever he had to, or waited until Haru couldn't stand the atmosphere any more and asked himself. This time it was neither of those, and Haru found himself in an unfamiliar position. He felt unnerved by the fact that he kept trying to make Rin talk, and had the sense that whatever it was, it wouldn't be good.

"Okay, I'll tell you," Rin began, "but promise me you won't feel um- weird about it, or.. um- just-" 

"Just say it, Rin."

"Okay, so um... did I ever tell you about um-" he took a deep breath before continuing. "I have a soulmate tattoo and... I think you're my soulmate."

Nothing could have ever prepared Haru for that, and as the words registered in his mind, the earth gave under his feet and he was falling, falling...

* * *

There are four moments in his life that Haru still remembers as clear as day, even after all these years. Everything is distinct in his memory, from colours, to sensations, to the temperature of the room and the sounds, and himself. He had never been more aware of his body and soul than in those moments, those minutes during which he and himself were aligned, an eclipse which instead of swallowing in darkness shed light on the world, inside and out.

_One_ , when he held a boy's hand and the world started to make sense.

_Two_ , when the boy he loved fell in love with someone else and the world tilted sideways.

_Three_ , when he broke the heart of the boy who loved him and the world crumbled to pieces all around him.

And _four_ , when four teenagers decided that the world was a cruel joke, and went their own ways.

Haru still thinks about it, the sick joke that the Universe played on him, making him Rin's soulmate, Rin Sousuke's, Sousuke Makoto's, and Makoto his.

 

 

 


End file.
